why when a christian says something that offends a non-christian, does the non-christian sometimes say, "interesting what the church teaches," or something to that effect. if a history major says "i like stomping on baby squirrels," i don't say "man, it's interesting what you learn in history class." being a student of christ doesn't make you christ.

you know what i do not understand? glamour shots.

i just heard this radio ad where this woman was suggesting that i visit the fred meyer garden center to purchase an overpriced murdered tree to hang my holiday doo-dads on. she said "maybe a doug fir." doug? since when are you on such intimate terms with the forests, fred meyer lady. his name is douglas.

this saturday? or next saturday? i mean... technically, tomorrow is next saturday, because there are no saturdays between now and then. but it is also this saturday. next saturday is not in actuality the saturday after this saturday, or, saturday after next. i mean, you wouldn't have a conversation that went, "hey! whatchoo doing next easter?" "you mean, this easter? or the easter after this next easter?" so next saturday and this saturday are pretty much the same saturday, unless it is saturday, in which case, next saturday is only next saturday, not also this saturday.

watching steve martin play the banjo only served to make him exponentially more attractive. thank you, global warming, for requiring a benefit.

i always cringe a little when someone says, "you do the math." it's all i can do not to yell back, "I AM NOT GOING TO DO THE MATH. I BARELY PASSED MATH IN ANY FORM. YOU GO DO THE STINKING MATH."

how do scientists know that every snowflake is different? no freaking way they checked them all. what are they going to try to make us believe next? that there is some magical thing called ribonucleic acid or even deoxyribonucleic acid and that it's all different or like, finger prints being unique? whatever.

i just heard a radio ad for a lasik surgery dude who says that even though he is new to portland, we can trust him onaccountabecause he has over a half a million happy customers or something. that makes me trust him less. i'd way rather have my peepers surged on by someone with, say, a hundred happy customers. i bet after like two thousand surgeries or so, you stop paying such close attention and you start like, watching joni loves chachi and eating cheetoes while you operate.

i would appreciate it if the following sentence were to remain private. i sort of think that the new supreme court chief justice is cute. way cute.

recently overheard at my house - "why don't bobby and whitney just leave this country? they have completely overstayed their welcome."

if i wanna say that something suckie is "gay," i'm gonna go ahead and say "gay." saying that something suckie is "gay," is in no way derogatory toward homosexuals in the same way that being homosexual is nothing derogatory toward happiness.

sometimes i think tom petty is an alien. i mean, he didn't age for like three decades, and now all of the sudden he looks old. kind of like he went, "oh, the earthlings all age, maybe i should join them."

when susan powter said "stop the insanity," it was in regard to healthy living. when rebecca marie says "stop the insanity," it is in regard to the razor industry trying to force consumers into unwitted, involuntary suicide.

i think that anytime you can work a bowling analogy into conversation you should. like, instead of saying "i'm batting a thousand," say, "i'm bowling three hundred."

i think i need to be arrested. whenever a body is found, after it's identified the news media releases a picture of the deceased and it's invariably from police files. if i die without being arrested, what ever will they put on the news?